And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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