my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
