his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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