Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize