There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
