It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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