tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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