All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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