All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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