I faked an abortion last night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
