you win again, gameday.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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