Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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