I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
