Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
