when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
