It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize