My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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