i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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