those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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