You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
