So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
