Plan B is the new Plan A
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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