On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
