So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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