Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize