you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
