I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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