I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
