This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
