The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
