I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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