how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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