the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
They have beer where we have blood.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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