doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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