May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
