ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
