Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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