I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
