Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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