I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
