I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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