Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
