I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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