Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Still dying that you shit outside
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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