I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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