Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
