This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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