take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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