I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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