I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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