When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
