If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
