non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
