dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
