She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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