Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
