I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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